| .. |
[Jan. 7th, 2010|01:12 am] |
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
-George Eliot |
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| New Year, New Hope |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|01:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Broken" ~Lifehouse, "Bring On The Rain" ~Jo Dee Messina | ] |
I guess New Year's is a typical time of reflection. The year of 2009 was by far the worst year of my life. Actually, the preceding year of 2008 comes in second.
Corry and I celebrated our 2-year anniversary on December 8th, 2009. Unfortunately, it's been a very rocky two years. I like to think that he has changed, and that our morals are more in line now. ...But part of me is terrified that will turn out to be the wishful thinking of a fool destined for more heartbreak. We both still have work to do on resolving our issues. He has to continue trying to get to a point where being honest and faithful doesn't require effort, and I have to try to forgive him completely and trust him completely. All I can do is put my all into the relationship and hope he does the same. God willing, that will be enough to get us to where we want to be.
The person who I've considered to be my best friend for the last 12 years is no longer in my life. We've been on a downhill slope for the past few years, but I kept hoping we could pull out of it. Try as I might, I was not able to recoup our relationship. Life has changed us both -- whether it's been for better or for worse differs depending on who you ask -- but it has changed us nonetheless. We've become people who clash a majority of the time; we've become old friends who now prove to be a detriment to each others' spirits. I think I will always miss the bosom friend she once was to me, but I have accepted that that person is gone. ...Or maybe it's that I changed and was no longer able and/or willing to bear the burden of holding us together in what was an unbalanced friendship with a person who had become a very negative aspect of my life. Regardless, there is no use now in throwing blame. Though the severance was not my choice at first, over time I came to see that it was best we parted ways before we caused additional emotional damage to each other. Even though I think it is a shame that our long friendship has come to an end, and even though she openly bears bitterness and hate for me now, I wish Kim nothing but the best. I hope one day she will wish the same for me.
Pixie had a cancerous lump removed from her mammary tissue after Thanksgiving. A chest film and abdominal ultrasound did not reveal any other spots at this time. The veterinary oncologist said there is a 90% chance the cancer will come back in less than 2 years, and a 60% chance after that. We just have to keep praying that she'll beat the odds.
We've had so many losses over the past couple of years -- Jerry, Aunt Shug, Ralph, Uncle Buddy, Dad ...and now Uncle Gilbert is entering his final days. Christmas day 2009 was 11 months exactly since Dad passed away. The holidays just weren't the same this year. I knew they wouldn't be, which is why I was in a bad mood the entire month of December. They seemed pointless; everything about them seemed wrong. I know that loss is a part of life, and I know that the holidays will eventually gain new meaning as life goes on. But this year, in my heart at least, they just didn't matter without Dad.
"A broken heart goes on beating, just the same." ~Fried Green Tomatoes
Somehow that quote proves to be true. I think my heart was broken every way possible this year. ...Yet here I am, painful as it may be, heart still beating. All I can do is hope that the next couple of years are better than the last. I hope that with the new year comes a time of healing, where peace and happiness are imminent possibilities, instead of unavailing dreams. |
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